Did you know that 40%-50% of married couples in the United States will get divorced? The average length of a marriage is 8.2 years. And anecdotally, of the couples I know who are not divorced, a large percentage of them are constantly unhappy in their marriage. So what?
It doesn’t have to be this way. At all.
Love is beautiful and a powerful driving force behind many marriages, but truth be told love (as we commonly know and experience it) is not enough. Marriage takes work.
And the reality is, as time moves on and our jobs get more complex and our home lives get more full, it is very easy to put your relationship on the back burner. But you will pay the price.
So I have some tips to beat the odds and make it well past 8.2 years of marital bliss:
1) Stop talking shit about your partner (even in jest). I am guilty of doing this sometimes too, but it’s pretty much never ok. So, just stop. You should be able to talk to a trusted friend or two about tough stuff in your relationship. This should not look like putting your partner down. This can look like venting about something that really annoyed you or problem solving.
2) Therapy. For all parties. I find couples therapy useful, especially in harder seasons, but therapy for each of you regularly is pretty much a no brainer. For my hetero friends, way too often the female is willing to go and does regularly attend therapy, and the male is resistant or completely avoids therapy at all. This is not healthy. It is clear you have serious issues you need to deal with if you refuse to try therapy. Get help. It will make your relationships with every human better, including and not limited to your partner.
3) Make some rules to keep each of you safe in your relationship. Some of the rules we have in our marriage are: 1) No “d” word. No matter how big or how hot the fight gets, we never say divorce. 2) Always sleep next to each other. I watched my parents spend the better part of thirty years fighting so intensely, my dad often found himself on the couch. Couples make it sound cute and less serious, saying, “he’s in the doghouse”. The reality is, it’s not cute. It’s harmful. Even if you can’t wrap up the fight, commit to sleeping beside each other until you do. 3) A new rule that we have implemented in our marriage (and really it’s just for me) is no cursing at each other in a fight. I am a big curser and this rule is so needed and I’m not sure how it didn’t make it on the list many years ago.
(Note: these rules don’t make us a happy couple, they just keep us together and cooler in very intense moments or seasons of hardship. Every couple goes through hardship, so what rules can you implement now that will keep you safe when things get fiery?)
4)Plan to have fun. When you were younger and more carefree, fun was easier to come by. At least for us it was. These days, we have to be a bit more intentional about our fun. Between the residency schedule, my influencer business, and two kids, there are a ton of logistics to juggle, and logistics are not fun. Try to do something more than sit on the couch and watch TV together. While that can be filling a love bucket, if your love language is physical touch, it likely isn’t creating more intimacy. But learning a new tiktok dance, though super silly can put one or both of you in a more vulnerable state, if dancing is not your forte, and be so much fun. Trust me. Even if you never post it for the world to see. Learning something new together, playing games with eachother, dancing. Find some way to just have fun.
5) Pick and choose your battles. This tip is really for me. I feel like I pick all the battles, but truth be told, that is not wise. I actually watch my cousin do this so beautifully. When her partner is upset, she realizes it’s not the time to add to the flames. She is cool and can address her concerns later. Thinking that you need to address every issue in the exact second it arises is actually an anxiety response. Calm yourself down. Write it down. You can address it later when you’re calmer, more collected, and are likely showing up with more empathy.
I feel like there are a billion million more tips and tricks I can say to give your marriage a fighting chance, but I suppose the larger message is that marriage takes work. And, if you’re doing it right, the work you do is not to avoid divorce, but to enjoy your life with your partner.
I plan on making it way past 8.2 years of marriage. This decision was a no brainer for me and a life long decision. I don’t always love the work that marriage requires because it grows and stretches each of us beyond our comfort, but I am grateful to be doing the work alongside my best friend.
What specific questions do you have about our marriage that I can help answer? Our marriage is not perfect by any means, but we are so happy and so in love, so I am always happy to share what has worked for us.