How to Get rid of timeouts in your home today

I will say this disclaimer probably each time I talk about my childhood. My parents did the best they can with the resources they had. I have healed and continue to heal from my childhood trauma and hold nothing against either of my parents.

That said, as I became a parent, I knew I wanted to do things drastically different in my home than they did in their home. So, when my daughter James turned two, and the big emotions came through in full blast, I knew I did not want to hit my child. So, I did what many parents do when they don’t want to hit their children. I started putting her in timeouts. I would put her in timeout a minute for each year that she was. When she was two, it was two minutes, when she was three, three minutes.

As I continued to learn about parenting philosophies, I was able to find what resonated with me. Respectful parenting, positive parenting, gentle parenting, conscious parenting, and attachment parenting among other philosophies all resonated with the type of parent I want to be and the culture I want to cultivate in my home.

One of the things I learned on this journey was the concept of time-ins.

What are time-ins?

Time-ins are similar to timeouts, but you are with the child. As the parent, I remove my child from a situation that is unsafe. I stay with them until they are calm. The biggest difference is that I stay with my child.

Timeouts send the message that my child did something wrong, and because of this, I don’t want to be with them. It says, I want to be around you when you are behaving. I don’t want to be around you when you misbehave..

This is not the message I want to send to my children.

I want my kids to know that when they behave I want them near me and when they misbehave, I also want them close to me. They do not lose me or access to me when they make poor choices, or are having a hard time self regulating. Perhaps this is when they need me most.

One small disclaimer:

I do put my kids in time out when I feel like I am having a hard time self regulating. I would rather my child be safe from physical or emotional harm that I may cause because I am stressed out. The number one priority is their safety. Though there are other (potentially better) options than time outs, time outs are a great alternative to keep your child physically safe while you, the parent, self regulate.

I do not believe timeouts are terribly traumatic. That said, I do think as we learn more tools as parents, we have more options and tools to choose from.

Would you ever consider using time-ins in your home? Let me know why or why not.