We do not do Elf On The Shelf in our home. I cannot say that we will never buy this cute elf doll and hide him all around our house after our kids go to sleep, but I can say why I think the way he is traditionally used is very problematic.
What is Elf On The Shelf?
Elf On The Shelf is this doll that is hidden around the house (often times in super cute ways) who is charged with watching the kids and noting what is naughty and nice. The Elf tells Santa what he has seen. Ultimately, Christmas hangs on the balance based on your kids’ behavior.
Two Reasons Why This Doesn’t Work For Me:
- Christmas is probably still happening regardless of their behavior leading up to the holiday. And I don’t believe in empty threats. Really I don’t believe in threats at all, but I guess what I meant to say is that I say what I mean and I mean what I say. So, if I tell my kids that we can’t go to the park anymore because they took too long to stop what they were doing so we could get there on time, we are actually not going to the park. I remember as a child thinking Christmas was going to be canceled (because my parents told me it would be) and being devastated. And this happened over and over again throughout the season. The reality was they had no plans of canceling Christmas. They bought all the presents. Christmas was happening. They just used this empty threat to modify my behavior. I, as a parent, resonate with that desire and yet, I don’t think the threat of taking away something so special that you are not actually going to take away is healthy or helpful.
- I want my kids to build the skill of intrinsic motivation and integrity to do the right thing when nobody (or no doll) is watching. I don’t want my kids to “do the right thing” because a doll is watching them. I don’t want them to do the right thing for the reward of presents. I don’t want them to do the right thing because of the fear of something they love being taken away. I just want them to learn to do the right thing because of its impact on them, and those around them. And those lessons happen slowly, over time, by attuned parents who will guide their children.
I don’t see something largely problematic with a cute elf. But, when that elf is used as part of a behavioral plan and leveraged against one of the most exciting days in a kids year, I do see a big problem. I see it as manipulative and trust breaking and these tactics will not be used in our home. That said, a cute elf that mom and dad spend all night putting into mischievous situations sounds so so cute.
What To Do If You Still Want To Do Elf On A Shelf?
Have fun with the elf. Place the elf in mischievous situations. Get creative. Hop on Pinterest and find fun ways to get the kids excited. Because an elf, or any part of holiday traditions should be fun, and relationship building.