Teaching Consent: Why I Will Never Make My Kid Hug You

I will never make my kids hug you. Or you. Or me. Or anyone.

As we continue to hear stories from friends and loved ones all around the world of abuse, and on the heels of the “me too” movement, it was important for me to raise my children to understand consent. 

And that important lesson starts at home. I will teach my kids consent.

I want James and Sage to see and hear over and over again, that saying “stop” is enough to expect a person to stop.

So, when we are tickling her, and she giggles, “stop”, I remove my hands immediately. She looks at me confused. She was saying stop playfully this time. She didn’t actually want me to stop. She says, “more tickling please” and I resume.

James is learning the power of her words. She is learning that no means no and stop means stop.

We teach her to listen to the non verbal cues of her one year old brother. To see when he moans annoyedly that he is saying, the best way he can, to stop. And we need to listen.

I’m teaching my kids to give consent and to listen for consent.

When James comes running to me, telling me that a friend pushed her, or won’t stop chasing her, I tell her to do the same thing nearly every time. 

I tell her to go back to that child, stand up nice and tall (which sometimes she interprets as standing on her tiptoes) and tell the kid in her strong voice,

“Stop. I do not like it. My body. My choice.”

She repeats this statement many times throughout the day. In our backyards with our neighbor friends. When I want to snuggle and she doesn’t. When her brother pulls her hair.

I’m sure as time goes on, that language will get more sophisticated and more directly speak to the exact situation she is in, but for now these are strong words to remind her that:

1. Stop means stop. Immediately.
2. She can always share her feelings. If she does not like something, that is ok. That is her prerogative.
3. Her body is her body. She has autonomy over her body and what happens to it. This is an extremely important lesson she will carry late on in life too.
4. She gets to choose what happens to her and her body. She gets to choose how people, even her friends and family engage with her. She has choices.

One weekend my dad came to visit. He lives in upstate New York and I live in North Carolina. We see him maybe twice a year or so. As he was getting ready to leave and head to the airport, he asked James for a hug. 

Now, James didn’t understand that she wouldn’t be able to see grandpa for a long while, or that he was going to miss her so so much. She didn’t grasp the importance of a goodbye hug.

She said, “no”.

My dad asked her again and again. He told her he would be sad if she didn’t hug him. He said, grandpa really wants a hug.

Then, he looked at me, waiting for me to convince James to hug him. I did not budge.

Instead, I looked at James and told her, it’s ok if you don’t want to hug grandpa. Your body. Your choice.

I could tell he was disappointed and confused. Perhaps, he was also upset with me, or James. Frankly, I didn’t really care. I love my dad, but my priority is my children.

I want them to see me defend them and support them every chance I get. I need them to see a fierce advocate in me. 

Truthfully these situations can feel uncomfortable. Family or strangers expecting anything from your children that they’re not wanted to give can make you feel awkward. And what people say in response to it, can make you feel bad.

These conversations and experiences can feel stressful, but keep your eyes on the prize. The prize is making your children feel safe and empowered.

I am raising my children to know that their voice matters, and that the boundaries they set are real boundaries that I will help them enforce.

So, no matter who you are, if my child says no, listen to them. And if you struggle with that, no worries. I’ll make sure you listen to me.